lyef & thymes

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Whose Voice do we Heed?

These are not the days for making decisions. I don't mean that in a grand cosmic sense, but rather that February is not an appropriate time for making lifetime decisions. They say that you should never go grocery shopping when you're hungry, because you will only buy whatever tickles your fancy at the time, and later you will have nothing of any substance to nourish you. This is the same principle. When the sky is perpetually grey, the earth is covered in snow, and life is in hibernation, everything is coloured by that. Nothing seems cheerful in February. Nothing seems to work out right in the late winter. And I am as far from my memory of last spring as I can be, without yet seeing signs of this coming spring. The problem I face is that I want to study for a master's degree, and would have to think long and hard about where to go to acheive this, and if I found a place to go, then I would have to think about whether I really had everything I would need to do it or not. In February I can only see the grey. I don't have enough money. My grades aren't good enough. Even if I did get in, I am still not sure what exacty to study. In otherwords, I can only see the downsides to everything. In the summer all of this will seem like it just adds to the adventure. All the challenges that seem impossible now, will add to the excitement in the days to come. But in the meantime comes discouragement, disillusionment (which isn't always a bad thing), and if it gets really bad, despair. As we learned in Anne of Green Gables, to despair is to forget God, and i'll be honest, sometimes I get close. But I remember that this is the time when all of the influences and voices are grey. Soon there will come a day when all things seem possible again, and in the meantime I just gotta keep my head down, and get through the winter.
In case you haven't picked up on it yet, I have been thinking all-together too much about moving on, packing up and packing it in, and getting a job in a factory somewhere. Obviously this would be no more satisfying to me than the work I am doing now. Clearly there is no one place to live that will satisfy me more than another. It all depends on my attitude. So what if the grass isn't green right here? It's not really any greener anywhere else. But soon all the grass everywhere will begin to grow again. When my heart is troubled I listen to the voice of my mind, which says "maybe it's okay to stay here afterall". When my mind can't figure it out I follow the guidance of those respected friends who know me, and know what I am going through. There is so much good when things are good, but it's hard to remember that when it's February, and there is no sunlight. God knows what's going on in my heart, and he has put the goods inside me to get through this winter, and into better times. I suppose this isn't such a bad place. I guess the snow is kinda nice. Clouds don't suck too bad...oh heck I like it here well enough. See you again when the winter blahs have passed.

4 Comments:

At 3:30 PM, Blogger mark said...

Jacob, you consistently post things that put me deep in thought. I can't help but love you for that bro, keep it up...

 
At 11:51 PM, Blogger 直樹 said...

well jake, i am looking up the same hole as you in repect to masters, yes you read it right, repect. money etc. i am lucky enough to be enjoying a very clear,,, wait, it has changed... it was a very clear sunny day of a bout 12 c.... it has since become cloudy and threatens rain. damn.. cheers mate

 
At 2:12 PM, Blogger Sgt Steve said...

Well said Jake. Have i ever mentioned that you are one of the very few who i can relate to at a thinking level. other people don't make sense, but you do. bless you dude, see you in a few...

 
At 12:55 AM, Blogger betha_boo said...

wow. I loved every minute of that entry. there is definate agreement! February is soooooo BLAH!

why is there an weird r in february. It just does not make sense....

who's deep now Jake...huh?

miss you! I am angry that we did not chit chat.

 

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