More Fire? Yeesh!

Some of you may know that I am thinking about studying in England next fall. To give a little context to the proceeding blog, I think you should know that I love SSU, and I love St. Stephen in general. I barf out some negative stuff here, and I don’t apologize for it. But when you read what I have here, you should know that it comes from the place of being a small human being with a huge universe spread out in front of him, wondering where to go and what to do. It is a humbling feeling, and it is probably the fourth or fifth time I have come to this type of place in the last three years. I love my life, and I love God for giving it to me. Sometimes the feelings just well up and you have to express them somehow. I welcome each of you into my struggle, and if you would like to see some of what is going on for me during this season, please read on.
I am becoming increasingly aware that all of this, the longing for change, the desire to move on, is a familiar sensation, and that I was initially excited about having finally subdued it when I moved here, thinking that this was going to stick.
So I am thinking alot about my future, and my heart, and my goals, and my past, and my longings, and my reason. To be honest I feel like a cloud. Allow me to quote Hesse.
"O lovely, restless floating clouds! I was an ignorant child but I loved and contemplated them, little knowing that I too should go through life like a cloud, wandering, everywhere a stranger, floating between time and eternity."
I feel this way sometimes, as though there is no rest for me, no home for me. I crave it, but honestly do not feel as though I have found it yet. I love so many aspects life in the SSU community. I love the relationships, the work of the University in the lives of the students, and the broader support that I have found in this town. I see SSU as a place that prepares students to be passed the proverbial baton. In Hebrews we are told that since we have such a great cloud of witnesses that we should run the race with perseverance. In my view, SSU is not the place where people are passed the baton, and told to run with it. This is the place where the runners are trained, and when they leave after however long they stay people are ready to be given the responsibility of running the race. Folks who have not studied here, but encounter SSU students have commented that they are wise beyond their years (I think specifically of John from Guelph, who knows Dan Wilt, and Dan Livingston). I don't want to leave SSU until I have received all I had to receive, and have given all I had to give. But I come to work and often wonder how I once believed that this would be a position that used my strengths. I have had times here when I was able to flex my muscles, and do what I was good at. There have been times when I have done it well, and times when that has not been the case. It has been more of a struggle of late than it has ever been for me here. I don't do any of the things I love to do very regularly. I love to meet new people. I love to explain things to people, especially things that I am passionate about. I love to play music. I love to read and to learn. At work I type. and email. and coordinate. and plan. and strategize. and crunch numbers. I feel more like a salesman, and less like an Ambassador.
There is a Golden, perfect, flawless, spotless, complete expression of Jake in the eyes of my Father. He sees me, not as a bumbling sinful jerk, but as I one day shall be, when all things have been made new. When the corruptible is clothed in the incorruptible all pain and striving and hardship will cease. The difficulties I endure now will seem like nothing through eternal eyes. Really, it’s true. One day I will die. I will face the great change, that makes all other changing seem like nothing. And after that moment in time, there will be eternity. With the eyes of the finite I see all of my problems and I see that I only have one shot at this. I feel the pressure of making a decision that will open many doors, while completely eliminating many others. That is a terrifying concept for me right now. I have so much that I want to keep about the prospect of staying here, and so much I want to keep of the prospect of going away. I simply cannot have both. In the eyes of the finite that sucks. Through the eyes of the infinite it is like nothing. But it sure is hard right now.

I am a pretty happy guy, seriously. This is just the one thing that is difficult. There is so much that is good about life that is taking a bit of a backseat in this post. Please feel free to pray, and let me know if you feel strongly about anything I have said. Oh, and cheques are still welcome.